I used to have a horrible relationship with my mom.
My parents were separated when I was young, and my dad was never around, so I did everything to please her. She was all I had.
But when I was really struggling with self-identity issues, she not only dismissed and criticized my feelings but she didn't do anything to help. I was 18, and this was the very first time I'd ever asked her for help. I felt betrayed.
But that didn't stop me.
Even after I experienced heartbreak, I kept reaching out to her because I thought that was what a mother and daughter relationship was supposed to look like. I thought "A mom should be there for her daughter when she needs help no matter what."
Unfortunately, I didn't succeed in creating my ideal daughter and mother relationship and ended up distancing myself from her for a long time. By then, I'd been hurt so many times, and I just wanted to stay away from her. I had so much anger towards her. I've even raged when I heard someone describing their relationship with their mom as winning a mommy jackpot. I kept asking myself over and over… why don't I have it?
It took me about 15 years before I started to open up to her. It was a long time, but it felt like I needed it. By then, I'd worked on myself and was in a much better place. I was able to see her not as my mother but as one individual, and I started to understand where she was coming from. Once I fully comprehended why she acted the way she did, and it had nothing to do with me, something had shifted, and I was able to forgive and accept her for who she was.
The relationship with my mom has been great in the past 8 years or so. We email each other, and we hang out every time I go back home. Of course, my mom is not the ideal mother I've always wanted. Our relationship is different from what I thought should be. But this is us, and it's okay.
The biggest lesson I've learnt from the history of our relationship is that if you stop standardizing relationships and stop chasing the ideal image of someone, it releases you from stagnation and helps you see life in a different way. There is no one size fits all, and not everyone has a loving relationship with their mom as you see in the movies.
The reason why I decided to share my story today is that I saw this picture someone posted on Facebook the other day. It really spoke to me, so I saved it to share with you.
Not everyone is lucky to win the mommy jackpot.
If you have a great mom, then you should embrace the love she gives you, but if you don't, one thing you can do for yourself is to tell yourself that the reason has absolutely nothing to do with you. You don't have to blame yourself.
If she is not who you want her to be for whatever reason, stop trying to make her who you think she should be, and start accepting her for who she is. That way, you can release any unhealthy energy cords that have been draining you. You then can create your own relationship that works for both of you. In the end, you may even start seeing the love she has for you.
I hope my story helps you see the relationship with your mom in a different way, especially if you have a strained relationship, and allow yourself to be okay with where you are in life.
I'm a true believer of everything happens for a reason, so wherever you are with her right now is where you are meant to be. It may change in the future and it may not. But whatever it is, it's okay.